I got an email recently from a reader, wanting to know how to stay positive when surrounded by Little People, Life, and the Chaos That Ensues. And I admit, I may have snorted a little. Because, um, I’ve shown you guys my bedside table, right? It’s not all rainbows and unicorns around here. But this is something near and dear to my heart, it’s something that God has been working with me on, and I’ve heard lots of wisdom from others on the subject that I am prepared to share as my own. So here goes…
1 – Accept your position. The sooner we can all release the idea that our house will be the one on the block that runs smoothly, the better off we’ll be. We need to quit comparing, quit dreaming, and deal with the reality that we’ve been given. I’m not being fatalistic, I’m saying that sometimes we get so caught up in wishing that we weren’t drowning in diapers, laundry, and mud pies that we never learn to be content. And we don’t ever learn to cope with what we’ve been given. Which leads me to my next point…
2 – Practice Gratefulness. It makes no sense to walk into my laundry room and stare at Mt. WashMe and whisper, “Thank you, Jesus.” But sometimes, that’s what I need to do to get a little healthy perspective. I remember when I could do laundry once a week, for two people, and I was the saddest mama-wannabe around. I remember when I wasn’t overrun with baby socks. And I remember millions of children who don’t have more than the clothes on their bodies. That’s an attitude-changer.
Open up and enjoy the insanity. The Inane, the Ridiculous, it is GUARANTEED in our lives. Accept it, be thankful you’ve been given so many great stories to tell, and embrace it. The more you practice being grateful, the more you’ll feel it.
3 – Lower Your Expectations. I’ve preached on this before. Once you’ve accepted the children, the husband, the work you’ve been given, you have to be realistic about what you can achieve in a day. Recognize that the more you write on your own personal to-do list, the more you sacrifice the relationships with the people you are trying to serve. Only do the things you can get done while still being nice. If you can’t accomplish it without yelling at your kids, don’t do it. Or save it for bedtime. Making yourself wait for the hard stuff until after the kids go to bed and you’re exhausted will help you prioritize your life QUICKLY!
4 – Relationships Rule. We’re talking about growing families here. A family isn’t just the people who live in the house together. A family is made up of the relationships between those people. Yes, absolutely, things have to get done so the house doesn’t fall down around our ears. But I will let the kitchen dishes go unwashed when I host guests because I want to visit with them. Will I do the same with my own kids? How do I show them that they are important to me? Do I sit and chat with them during lunch, or do I scrub the kitchen and remove the peanut butter from my hair? I’m not implying you must spend your every waking minute lolling on the couch, shooting the breeze with your kids. But I’m saying the Relationship should dictate your priorities.
One more thing about this – when we’re all down in the trenches with the training stage, it’s easy to become the Colonel, dictating, keeping everyone in line, administering discipline… And sometimes we forget to hug our kids. (I’m using we in the “Royal We” sense here, meaning ME.) I forget that I’m training and I start Managing. The two are very different. Training involves teaching, it involves communicating, it involves demonstrating the behavior I want to see in my kids. And I don’t think I want my kids acting like Colonel Klink all the time. So I’ve got to demonstrate in love, not in mandates.
****
Believe it or not, there’s more. But I’m still working up the nerve to hit publish on those. In the meantime, tell me how YOU stay positive. How do you find your sense of humor in the trenches?
I needed to read this today. It is excellent. Thank you so much.
Oh how I am looking forward to the next post. I am desperate need of help in the “little people training dept.” I feel like its one step forward 4,258 steps back sometimes.
With my third boy on the way I am so worried that instead of training up warriors for God, that I’m going to be sending them off to juvenile prison! Oh I exaggerate…but seriously the attitudes need adjusting here and I’m sure its not just theirs…
I love this post. And the one you linked to from a while ago. I need reminders on these things.
One thing I’m starting to try to do more often is *plan for fun*. It sounds simple, but it’s a shift that has made a big difference for me. My mental posture for a long time was more focused on just making it through the day, and hoping that we all still had happy hearts at the end of it (or at least not really grumpy ones). I also spent a lot of mental energy staring at my to-do list and wanting to feel productive, but then feeling guilty because my kids constantly wanted my attention when I was trying to get things done. Sooooo, I am trying to be proactive with fun, instead of just waiting for it to happen.
When I’m on track, it looks kind of like this: Instead of just shooing the kids outside to “go play”, I plan an activity for us to do outside together (painting, water splashing, go for a walk, etc.). Instead of just saying “why don’t you go play in your room?” I lead the play for a while (dancing silly to fun music, impromptu crafts like making masks out of cereal boxes, acting out a story, etc.) When I spend intentional time where our only purpose is to have fun together, it really changes my attitude and makes it easier to engage fully with my kids. Since I’ve set aside that time, I’m not as distracted by the to-do list. And later, when I have something I need to get done, it’s usually a little easier because the kids got some good mom-time.
Go ahead and hit publish on the rest of the post…I want to hear more. =o) Good stuff LL, thanks for sharing.
Well, I think I needed to read this today too. Even if you do need to cram chocolate into your mouth to get through the day, I’m glad you think about these things and share them with us : ) By the way I just sat on the couch with a bag of choc. chips and a jar of peanut butter during my little guy’s naptime, meanwhile my home look like a bomb went off in it.
I think it is so crucial what you are saying about the relationship, the expectations etc. Granted I only have one child so far (not for long) but it is harder in some ways to transition from zero children to one or any number of them in your constant care. Sometimes I just feel like a cop who is waiting for him to warrant some training from me or that he is just in the way of all the stuff I need to get done. But then I look around here and realize that this place gets totally trashed just in one morning. It’s not like cooking, cleaning, organizing, getting all the to-do list stuff done is ever going to go away, so might as well enjoy my child.
Also, not like I know but I suspect there is a season for everything – having very small children and babies with no older kids to help doesn’t last forever.
Thank you for all the wisdom you have shared today! I too escape into a chocolate bliss when the little guy is sleeping. When he is awake and I don’t dare eat chocolate in front of him, I try to giggle and laugh as much as possible with him. Even if I have to fake laughing at first, usually I will end up laughing for real because he truly is a delightful child. Laughing is good, it releases all those good things in the brain (similar to the chocolate high, without all the calories!)
And when I start to resent getting to stay home with my kid and away from grown-ups and people who can go to the bathroom all by themselves, I try to picture my kid if someone else was raising him all day. He for sure wouldn’t be the same little man in training! I have yet to find a daycare that instills the same high values and standards into little kids as what I can do myself at home.
My son is far better off when I rise to the challenge of motherhood and defeat all the muck that goes along with it. It lays the groundwork for him knowing how to practice patience and perseverance.
I love the line “only do the things you can get done while still being nice.” I do want my son to remember me as the nicest, most compassionate mother and the not the grumpiest and most complaining mother.
Do not fear the publish button. Iron sharpens iron, does it not? We mothers need the encouragement to get our acts together (and keep them together!) and raise a new generation of children that have integrity and values.
Thanks for this post . . . I needed it! The other day I was really flustered about something that happened that day and ended up losing my temper with my 3 year old on something totally unrelated. I realized later that if she had acted the way I did towards her that she would have been punished. Being a parent is so humbling.
love every point! GREAT NEEDFUL reminders!!!! i was going to specifically point out my favorite sentences but then i realized it would be a too long comment!!!!! My wonderful dh calls those really crazy long moments(that are probably weeks:) “beautiful Chaos”
LOL Can’t wait to read what you are working up the nerve to publish! in the beautiful trenches with you, my friend and i wouldn’t have it any other way! blessings, jen in al
Lately? I don’t stay positive. Lately I just sit and cry and call my husband and stress him out too (just so I’m not alone, a know?). But I’m working on it.
Thanks for posting this.
Great, great post.
What I like best is that you alluded to something that I try to remind myself all the time: life is happening now; it’s not waiting to begin. All this stuff – even the moments when it might be hard to stay positive – is part of the story.
I read blogs like this. I laugh. A lot. I cry in the shower. I pray on my knees. And sometimes on my face. I sit on my red couch and try to think complete thoughts.
I ask God to daily give His grace that is always sufficient, never forsaking, continually supplied. He hasn’t failed me yet.
I love this post! I have four little guys, and can certainly relate to the things you write about. I am learning to look into my children’s eyes and laugh with them, and like someone else mentioned, to plan fun stuff all together. It keeps them out of trouble when I join in the play and they coast along more smoothly when I do have to get back to my projects. There have been many days when I read your posts with a relieved grin that there really are others out there just like me!
One really simple thing that can help me so much to re-focus is just to look at my kids.
I know, no duh, right? But seriously, when I find myself whirling around in circles trying to catch up on everything and accomplish all the “undone”, often times all I need to do in order to push the re-set button is take a minute to look into each of their faces. It quickly puts all my priorities back in order.
And the success of that simple act reminds me that the Lord admonishes us again and again to “seek My face”. Pretty important
Amen! I agree 100%!! Thanks for saying it all so well!
I love this, but here is my struggle. I have two kids and my youngest has some special needs. He is 17 months old, but can’t walk and I end up having to carry him everywhere and do a lot of therapy etc. I feel like my older child gets left out and I don’t want him to. What would you (guys) do here? I want to be a good mom to both my kids but I end up frustrated with my oldest a lot and it’s really not his fault. Please help!
hm. Looks like your reader wasn’t alone in needing to hear this!
My tips? Looking them in the eyes. Sometimes they can quickly become like little gnats flying around my face, and once I look in their eyes I remember that they are little people. PEOPLE. Humans.
And excellent point about not doing the dishes when company comes and all that.
Thanks. =) Publish the rest!
Very well said, friend. Yes, publish the rest. We are all drooling with anticipation.
What do I do to stay positive? Well, I call you, of course!
Debi – First, will your youngest still go in a Pack ‘n Play? I had to re-train Willa to do pack ‘n play time so I could handle some lessons with the olders in the morning. I do not think it is unfair of you to ask your youngest to stay in a safe, fun area for a given amount of time in order to allow you some time to talk or play with your eldest.
Second, you can always include your oldest in all the therapy. Talk to him as you carry the baby on your hip, tell him why you have to carry him, not in a “this is sad” way but in a, this is how we help our loved ones sort of way. Make him feel included in the care of his sibling, like it’s a family thing, teamwork, he’s part of something important.
I’m sure you’re doing a great job. It must be tough to juggle the extra demands. Hope this is helpful!
LL,
I have 3 children and I’ve been feeling like I’m not equipped for my job! They all need me at the same time and I want to be there for each of them but, I just don’t know how to do it plus make sure we all have clean clothes, meals, and regular bathes! I know it must sound silly to you since I only have 3 kids! It’s been survival mode since we’ve been passing the germs around for about a month! I want to be a mom that is so much more than I am. Thanks for posting all this wisdom! I can’t wait for more posts!
~ Ali
I have just had to retire my pack n play after 6 children! i put Jesse in it and he looked like he was going to HeMan the thing right over! One end was leaning in one direction and the other end was leaning in the other! Out he went and out it went to the garage. Time for an upgrade, huh? pack n play have been so wonderful for my sweeties and been a life saver to me more times than i can count! great advice! blessings, jen in al
I find I struggle the most with staying positive when our schedule gets too busy. Sometimes I can’t say no to the events. We are all so much happier when we don’t have something to do or somewhere to go every day. We are so busy right now and the schedule won’t let up for at least a few more days. Too much for four small kiddos and their tired momma.
Fatima – Yes! I’m going to cover this later this week! Come back for part 3. (Yes, there has to be a third part. I’m so wordy.)
Debi, my two are 12 months apart, so my older one still needed me a lot when the baby was born. One thing that helped us was for me to put my youngest on my back in a carrier… then she felt like she was part of things, and was happy, and I could focus on my older one for a little while.
You could publish a best selling parenting book. You give such great advice in a very loving way.
Very great post! Such a great reminder since I just found out I am pregnant with our fourth. As much as I try to stay on top of things, I realize that I am going to have to give up a few more of my “perfetionist ideals”….