I don’t really want to write this post. I don’t want to imagine how I will be misunderstood and misinterpreted. I don’t want to come across as a Scrooge or as sitting in judgment of the decisions others make. But if I’m telling the truth on this blog (and I am) about what our lives are like This Very Second so that one day our kids will know what our hearts were as we raised them, then I owe it to them to write this out.
*End disclaimer.*
Christmastime is something we’ve made up. It’s fun, it’s magical, it’s lights and sprinkles wrapped up with a shiny bow. There’s nothing wrong with Christmastime.
Yet Christmas? THE Christmas? It’s not about fun. It’s about our crushing need for redemption and the ridiculous notion that Hope arrived in a barn. It is joyful celebration of Jesus coming to save us.
Andrew and I often struggle to make that distinction, for ourselves and our kids. Over the past few years, we began to simplify Christmastime, just to drown out some noise. It started with the Naked Tree. We threw in a Jesse Tree devotion and December dinners by candlelight. (I wrote about those today over at Simple Homeschool if you want details.)
Since our season of life is pretty cluttered anyway, keeping our decorations simple has really lowered the stress-level in our house. We still have shiny ornaments, nutcrackers, and happy-making decor, but I try to control myself for the sake of everyone’s sanity.
A few years ago, we became more passionate about where our gift-giving money goes and we started a list of adoptive parents we could support when we made purchases. Hence, the birth of Home for Christmas.
In that spirit, last year, we made a oh-forgive-the-use-of-this-word Radical Decision. We decided that we would take the money we would normally spend on gifts for each other and the kids and we’d give it to a worthy cause. If Christmas is when we celebrate Jesus’s birthday, then we wanted Him to get the biggest gift.
We talked with the kids about it, we chose a place to give that the kids could understand and relate to, and we figured if it didn’t work out, we would try something different the next year.
The results of our experiment surprised us.
When we took the noise of gifts out of the equation, we simplified the tree, and we made our Jesse Tree and candles at dinner the priority, we actually saw Christmas as a family. Not “we experienced Christmastime,” no, we lived and breathed the Birthday of He Who Gave Us Life.
When I shortened my gift list, I began to actually enjoy the sense of expectation in the air again. Because the expectations weren’t about me or the gift ideas I came up with.
On Christmas Eve, when the world really does seem like it’s in hushed expectation, Andrew and I both felt that for the first time, our anticipation was on Christ. We were looking forward to that last Jesse Tree ornament, sneaking the baby Jesus in the nativity scene, the 25 candles lit on the table, and a big breakfast around those candles with our kids.
And the kids “got it.” They weren’t distracted. Jesus in a manger wasn’t an after-thought. They didn’t have to suffer through the reading of Luke 1 to “get to the good stuff.” Being together around that table, around the nativity scene that finally held Baby Jesus, that WAS the good stuff.
It was a risky experiment, I know. Definitely different. But, to my surprise, the children remembered last year and were not at all phased by repeating the same thing this year. We discussed it in depth and talked about how gifts aren’t a bad thing at all. Giving gifts at Christmas isn’t wrong. It’s just not what our family is doing this year.
To help them understand, Andrew and I couched it in terms of Birthdays. We’ve purposefully made birthdays a big deal in our house. On a birthday, we celebrate the Individual. We try hard to “blow it up big” either in terms of a big gift or in marked attention. In a house full of kids, birthdays are a really good way to make them each feel special.
But it also means the kids understand that when it is someone’s birthday, THE INDIVIDUAL gets the attention. And the gifts. Thus, when it is Jesus’s birthday – we celebrate Him. He gets the attention. He gets the gifts. And since He said, “What you did to the least of these you did to me…”* then when we give a gift to those in need, we are giving Him a gift.
And, oh, the family discussion about where we were sending our Jesus Gift this year… Well, some things are private, but it was beautiful, y’all. To see their little hearts moved with compassion, to see them want to pick every. single. charity we suggested. And then to watch them come to an agreement on a cause that was important to all of us…
Well, you know I cried.
Here’s the thing: Christmastime traditions – cookies, funny songs, spending time with family – those can all be done and done well.
But we don’t need those things to have Christmas. Jesus was born, He saved us, and we live solely to celebrate Him. Christmas has already come! And we don’t want to miss Him. We don’t want our kids to miss Him.
So we Simplify.
We set aside our preferences for Christmastime. And Christmas, in all His glory, finally becomes visible.
*Matthew 25:39-40
I LOVE THIS! Father has been stirring up these same things in my heart for our family and how we celebrate Jesus’ birth. Because it is all about His birthday and not us and what we want. I am just starting to see what is best for our family and I am sure that as the years go by Clark and I will add and change things. But I do love how you have simplified it for your brood. That is something that I know that I want to for our small little family. Thank you for honesty and sharing your family with us…
This is sweet, simple, and beautiful. Tucking away for next year. Thank you.
Thanks you for this. My husband and I have one one year old daughter, one on the way and and ongoing adoption process and we have talked about doing the same thing. We want to start doing Christmas right from the beginning making it ALL about Jesus. Thanks for sharing some ideas abou keeping it special and magical and still all about Him!
I love these ideas! How does this work with your extended family? Do you still get/give gifts from grandparents?
That was simply the most moving blog I’ve read in quite a while. I’ve struggled with keeping my children’s eyes on what is important – Christ vs. the gifts. Your writing is giving me some thoughts on how to help them keep their eyes on the right way at Christmas.
Love it – makes me realized that my desire to simplify is not weird, and that its ok not to have everything decorated in yards of decor mesh & pinterest diy crafts or send out 100s of perfectly designed Christmas cards. Thanks for calming my anxiety over not doing it the world’s way
I think this is beautiful. It makes me uncomfortable because I am not ready for it, much less my family. But I also know we don’t all have to do it the same way to start making things more about Jesus. We’re not where your family is, but we’re trying to get closer to where our family should be. Thanks for sharing.
Toria – I took this chunk of explanation out of the post just to cut down on All the Words, but yes, the kids definitely still get gifts at Christmastime. Grandparents don’t mind donating money in mine or Andrew’s name, but when it comes to the grandchildren, they pretty much insist on gifts. And we certainly have people we want to give gifts to because this is our yearly opportunity to do so. Gifts are an expression of love and they are certainly not wrong or “un-holy.” We just don’t exchange them among our immediate family.
Hi there, have read your blog for years (went to the same church in VA you all used to go to but missed getting to know you personally by a few months!) and love your post on Christmas vs Christmastime. I have a question in regards to handling this distinction with extended family. Do you make sure your extended family is on the same page and don’t bury your children with gifts or do they “give as usual”? We are expecting our first in January and feel very much the same about Christmas and want our daughter to experience the true celebration of our Savior’s birth but I know our families will be absolutely indignant about getting her everything under the sun (mostly because we ask them not to give US things every year and they still do so we know it’ll only get worse with the baby). I wonder if the juxtaposition of the two experiences will cause friction for our daughter (aka will she feel her grandparents, aunts, etc give her a “better” Christmas because her parents withhold the “good stuff”?). I value your perspective and appreciate any advice! Thanks, Jennifer
PS sorry, I clearly didn’t read the earlier comments first
Jennifer, this is just a little note of encouragement. My growing up family were not poor, but the in come made a simplified Christmas almost mandatory. My dad’s parents way over did “Christmas”. We got so much junk. I say junk, but it was far from being cheap stuff. Just way too much stuff. My parents talking with them didn’t matter. I never resented my parents for doing less. Somehow their gifts seemed more meaningful. I remember and cherish my Christmases with my parents. The focus was on Jesus and giving to others. Every year my parents gave us $20. They said that this would have been money they would have spent on our presents, but that we needed to give Jesus a gift for His birthday. My sisters and I would get to give that money to a missionary. I still cherish every Christmas we had growing up. I like Lora Lynn’s definitions of Christmas and Christmastime. We had Christmas. I’m so glad! Now as a mom with my own family, I have another suggestion…have more than one child…six or more would be good. Then the grandparents have more to buy for and they end up with more realistic goals!!! (Just our experience. My husband’s parents were on the path of my grandparents until number 4 came. Now we have 6, with two on the way from China. Christmas got very simplified quickly!!!) So much for a LITTLE note! Merry Christmas!
Jennifer – Yes, the grandparents and such still choose to give our kids gifts. I think it’s all in how you teach your daughter to understand “Christmas.” Our kids know they get gifts from others. But because they understand how our family is choosing to define Christmas, it doesn’t seem to be a contradiction in their minds. Some people give gifts, some people don’t. And I think kids always think the grandparents are cooler than the parents, right? But our kids also trust us enough that when we the parents say – we will make sure you have all the things you need, some things you want, and that you will always feel loved by us – they believe us. They fully expect big birthdays from us, just like they don’t expect anything from us at Christmas. Manage their expectations early on and definitely keep the lines of communication open with your kids. They felt part of the decision, which makes all the difference. Hope this helps!
Love <3
(nursing makes comments short but i love ya girl)
Tears… So moving and wonderful. We are going in the same direction, little by little each year. Your family has had such an impact on me and for that I need to thank you!
We are still on a path of simplifying/eradicating the “noise.” and it really is noise. Noise that steals joy rather than giving reason and delight. Thanks for taking the risk of this post. Your heart shines through it. As bright as those 25 candles.
Thank you. We want to get there. It’s what our hearts yearn for. And each year we get closer. But seeing your analogy of “birthdays” and “Individual” finally made sense. It seems so simple, yet I just wasn’t sure how to make that last leap. Now I know! Thank you!
P.S. I love the nativity. We did not have an opportunity to do any shopping while in Addis due to our trip outside the city. But we hope to squeeze in a little time next trip. And a nativity is now tops on my list!
I love your ideas. In the complete opposite direction of your post – I am getting heat from other moms because I told my children the truth about Santa. I’ve always told them the truth about him. I can’t imagine going to all the work to maintain the lie. So, let’s see, I told the truth and I am the bad mom.
This is so interesting. My boyfriend and I are both youthleaders for our churches high school youth group. Last week was a discussion about Christmas. I was astonished to hear that when a group of high school kids raised in Christian homes were asked what they thought of when they heard “Christmas” – there response was Christmas tree, gifts, school break. etc. One boy finally said Jesus and the end, but only attached to a snicker.
This really disturbed both of us and has spurred a discussion of what we would like to do with our own family someday. We extensively discussed the option your family practices and were both surprised and disappointed in ourselves when we felt uncertain and had to ask if we were ready for that. Thankfully we have a few more years to decide, but I really appreciated this post and your perspective.
Julianne – I love your honesty. And my point wasn’t so much about hoping everyone makes the exact same decisions we did, my hope was that people would start to ask the same questions. The hard questions. And that they’d be willing to talk through them, be uncomfortable about them. That was my real goal. Thanks for commenting!
I have this exact same nativity: from Ruanda! Such a coincidence.
I do celebrate Christmas. We have a tree and stockings but do not go overboard on gifts. The kids get a gift and we do stockings but small priced items. I have no problems with celebrating in that way as long as it is kept in moderation and not allowed to absorb us.
However, I never told my kids about Santa. They learned and asked questions. i could not go along with it because I was telling lie after lie to make him believable. I finally, when they were 3, told them the truth. My family was disappointed with me but I did what I felt like I had to. I did not want them to ever think I lied to them and have been honest about things to this day.
I do not judge others and I go along with Santa in other homes.
What a powerful thing to do, sounds wonderful!
I love how you make birthdays special in your house, it has started me thinking of many things. Thank-you!
Stephanie
It’s so neat to see many families taking a simple true approach to Christmas. It also makes me feel not so alone!
I love this! I’ve saved our Jesse Tree to start tomorrow and double up on the second half of the month as things are slowing down. We’ve also loved doing advent wreath devotions once a week! Did not think about turning off the lights — love that.
We have discussed with our 4 year old at length from the gift catalogs — she’s settled on what she wants to give, but I feel like who these things go to is such an abstract concept to her. I did pull the “least of these” verse to explain like you did, but she’s all ready to run in her room and give away her stuff! Hard to explain this is around the world — thoughts??
Holly – You’re right, getting young ones to grasp the concept of distance and time is hard at this stage. But the important thing is, she gets the Compassion part of it. That’s great! And if it’s easier for her to understand local giving to others right now, there’s no harm in that! To help my kids grasp international needs, we looked at maps a lot. “Window to the World” is a good book with lots of pictures that educates kids about needs around the world. Obviously, you wouldn’t read it cover to cover to a 4 year old, but just looking at the pictures and talking is a good beginning. I think anything you can do to make it personal will help: write to a child in another country or look at blogs of people in other countries who are doing mission work. Kids needs pictures and kids need stories. And understanding will come in time. The important thing is that you’re already modeling the act of giving to her!
Brought me to tears as well. It is too easy to forget the real reason we celebrate. Even after trying hard not to give in to Santa and the Elf on a Shelf craze, I still wasn’t really turning my attention to why we do celebrate this time of year with our families. Thanks for the reminder and nudge to not let the opportunity to teach our little guy about what Christmas really is all about pass us by.
Hi Lora~
I have been reading your blog since my almost 4 yr. old was a newborn and have never commented, but so appreciate the way you share your family’s adventures and your care for them! We, too, have dramatically changed how we celebrate Christmas and tell people we celebrate Advent, and it has been good. We still have some things I would like to work on, but it’s been a good conversation and our boys are 2 & 1/2 and 3 & 1/2.
I did want to ask you how you handle interactions with other families who do tell their kids Santa is coming/bringing presents. This is the first year our boys have been old enough to ask questions and we have talked about St. Nicholas as a man who loved Jesus and cared for the poor, but I am a bit unsure of how to handle the inevitable moment when one of them tells a friend who believes Santa is coming to her house to bring her presents that St. Nicholas lived a long time ago and won’t be bringing her any presents.
Any thoughts or examples of how you handle such moments would be great! Thanks again for sharing and know you’re in our thoughts and prayers as you care for Finn and the rest of your littles!! 
Blessings…
Thank you for posting this. More food for thought as we evaluate and reevaluate the way we celebrate Christmas. I really like the idea of making a big deal of birthdays throughout the year; we’re thinking of making that change in our house next year.
May God continue to bless you guys as you go against the norm!
Megan – Yay for de-lurking!! The best course is honesty, I think, but you know your kids best. We told our kids that some people like to pretend that Santa is real. We tell them that if their friends’ parents have told them Santa is real, it is not their job to change that. It would be mean and we are never mean to others. So we encourage them to just say nothing: “if you can’t say something nice…” It’s always helpful to repeat this sort of pep talk if you know you’re going to be playing with kids who believe in Santa, but you’re right, it’s a tough balance not to make your kids TOO aware of the difference. We tell them it’s fine to play pretend with their friend and always better to say nothing if they are unsure. And, of course, they can always come get Mommy or Daddy for help if they don’t know how to handle something.