Vitafamiliae

or Everything I Know About Parenting Came In A Small Package From Mississippi

Last week, in response to one of your questions, I discussed the need for intentional parenting.  You should go back and check out the comments for further ideas and thoughts on the subject.  And, like always, I want to remind you that we are hardly “experts” on parenting.  Our children haven’t turned into anything but Hearty Eaters thus far, so heed our advice at your own risk.

Now, for the practical side of things…

Our first step, before we ever had kids, was to look for families that exemplified the sort of family we thought we wanted to be.  We were both blessed with supportive families who offered us much wisdom.  But, shortly after we got married, we moved far, far away from our families.  We had to hunt for a support base that could get to us in under 24 hours.

So we looked for families in our local church.  I’m not just talking about the family that was in church all the time, we looked for families whose children were above reproach, who honored their parents.  We looked for parents that seemed to delight in their children, to desire their best.  We looked for families who glorified God.

Then, we very timidly approached them and asked them to tell us their secrets.

I admit, Andrew and I hit the proverbial jackpot in mentors.  I quote one of the sweet mamas who took me under her wing all the time.  Anything I say that’s worth anything about parenting, it more than likely came from my Annie, drawled out in a Mississippi accent from a rocking chair on her front porch.  Despite her tiny little five foot frame, she wrangled her three boys with a gentle yet firm hand.  Knowing I had boys of my own to wrangle, her words were Southern Honey to my scared little ears.

I keep every one of her emails to me and I cull through them from time to time when I feel totally useless as a parent.  Her advice makes me feel even more like a failure, but then she lovingly reminds me of God’s grace to all parents, and His promise to give us strength whenever we need it.

You can’t buy that in a book, folks.  Especially not with that accent.

Which is why, before I get around to actually answering the original question about our favorite parenting books, I must encourage you to find some mentors.

I know I made that “mentors” plural and there’s a reason for that.  In this day of over-scheduling and extreme daily living, it’s incredibly hard to find just one person or family who can pour into you.  Andrew and I pieced together a “team” of mentors who covered different topics for us.  He had one man he went to for theological wisdom, one man who challenged him as a dad, etc.  I had my Annie for child-training, another for homeschooling, another for living life as a God-honoring woman, etc.  We’ve spent lots of time with these people, getting involved with their lives, asking them questions and observing how they lived.

Here’s what we’ve learned:

1.  You have to pursue your mentors. It is a rare person who has the guts to say to another, “I’m going to take you under my wing because I think I’ve got something to teach you.”  No, if a mentor is worth anything, they’re probably too humble to admit that.  So, despite your shyness, despite your insecurities, you will probably have to take the first step.

2.  Do not be devastated if your first choice for mentor turns you down or isn’t willing to meet your every need for advice.  They have lives, too.  They are not always in tune with the needs of others.  I’m not saying that’s right, it’s just the way it is sometimes.  Perhaps you need to look further.  Or, you can gently continue pursuit.  Get involved in their lives.  Offer to help them with the things that make them busy.  If they have older children, offer to baby-sit, offer to bring dinner, offer to help them with their yard-work.

3.  Do not expect mentors to replace your family in cases of emergency.  Some relationships with mentors grow into a role that is almost parental in nature.  But it is wrong of us to expect it.  Be grateful for the wisdom they are willing to share.  Do not assume that because they’re willing to talk to you about parenting that they will be there to help you clean your house after a week of the stomach bug.  Some mentors will, but others will dole out their wisdom from a germ-free distance.

4.  Be respectful of your mentor’s time.  Maybe they aren’t in the trenches of diaper warfare like you, but people are busy.  Show that you respect their time and they will respond more quickly and favorably.

Finally, I have a challenge for all of you who fit the bill to qualify as Mentors.  And, believe it or not, that’s ALL of you.  You’re all ahead of somebody in the walk of life.

So I challenge you, even if you feel totally unqualified for the job, make time to pour into others. Do not get so wrapped up in your own Here and Now that you forget what it felt like “back then.”  Remember that if someone had only taken you under their wing “back then,” how much you might have benefited.  Be that “someone” to someone else.

You never know.  Someday they might have a blog and quote your wisdom endlessly, taking full credit for everything you ever taught them.  It could happen…

Nic asked us to talk about what resources we’re using to help us raise our kids.

We’re so very flattered you think we’ve put some thought into this at all!   But before we dig in to practical stuff, we need to discuss The Big Picture.

We think parents who are intentional about their parenting are the ones who are most effective.  So, what are your goals for parenting?  Do you want well-behaved children?  Smart kids?  National Merit Scholars?  Do you want them to be athletic, musical, artsy, dreamers, future presidents?  What’s the POINT of all this effort?

You can’t be intentional about anything unless you’ve got a goal in mind.  It’s funny that I was trying to answer this question this weekend, because here’s what we’ve been reading from the Bible plan this week.

Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one! ⁵You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.  ⁶These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. ⁷You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. ⁸You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.  ⁹You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

So, um, that’s basically our plan (and Moses said it much better than I could.)

We want to teach our kids to love God and obey His commands.  We want to teach them diligently, all the time.  We want our faith to be totally integrated into our lives.  It’s why we homeschool (I’m not implying you can’t instruct your children about God if you send them to school, I’m simply saying it’s what works for us), why we keep our kids in church with us, why we guard our calendar and schedule so closely… Our goal is that our children love Jesus.  And we want to spend lots of time with them so that we can have a good, honest relationship and when we instruct them, THEY HEAR US.

Whatever decisions we make as parents, whatever resources we seek out, they should help us meet our goals for our kids.  It’s how we discern a good book about parenting from a great book about parenting.  It’s how we define who makes a good mentor for us.

But you can’t get anywhere as a parent if you don’t know where you’re going.  That only ends in frustration.  Your goals serve as your gut-check.  When something isn’t working, the goals are the guide that will help get you back on track.

Soon, I’ll give you some more of the practical side of this:  mentoring, books we like, etc.  But I didn’t want to step into that until I told you what our intent is for raising our kids.

And now that we’re all on the same page about that, what are your goals?  What is your heart’s desire for those ankle biters you’re raising?  To what purpose is all the nose-wiping, book reading, and disciplining in your house?

Adoption will break your heart.

Obviously, our hearts were broken enough by the plight of 150 million orphans for us to begin the process of bringing one home.  But the journey itself is destructive and rejuvenating all at once.

For one thing, that piggy bank that we’ve held so tightly has been smashed to smithereens.  Last December was a very tight month for us.  Very. tight.  I waited, impatiently shuffling my feet on the inside, wondering  what God would do.

He didn’t send a big check.  He sent us three little ones.  Each for thirty dollars.

We laughed and shook our heads.  Because the provision was perfection.  It wasn’t too much.  It wasn’t the one check I dream of that will end our scrimping and scraping.  It was just exactly enough.  It bridged the gap from paycheck to paycheck.

So we breathed a sigh of relief and then went back to the inward impatience, the shuffling of feet and the shuffling of pennies from account to account.  Our children have not suffered a moments loss.  Mostly, Andrew and I have suffered wounded pride as we’ve been faced with tougher decisions, denial of self, and fewer date nights.

Just when we’d begin to panic, a check would arrive in the TUH-DUH nick of time.  Not too much.  Just enough.  And, oh, how we would rejoice in the just enough!  Emails and texts have flown, shouting God’s glory in the Provision of the Little Things.

To ease the pain of waiting, we tell ourselves “just a few more weeks and then we can relax.”  But the raise and commission check doesn’t come and neither does the phone call from Africa.  So we wait more.  Resting in the “just enough.”

Today, while Sam and I struggled through yet another reading lesson, Andrew silently handed me an unmarked envelope.  A typed letter, written anonymously, wishing us love and wanting to help us “bring our sweet baby home” accompanied a handful of cash.

It was, as is God’s way, just enough, in the TUH-DUH, nick of time.

I cried.  I’m crying still.  We walk around with our hearts broken for a child we do not know and a country we’ve never seen.  Our pride and our bank account have taken crushing blows.  We are weak.  And waiting.

Waiting for Him to provide.  Waiting for Him to lovingly remind us, in the smallest yet most beautiful of Grand Gestures, that our broken pieces, no matter how jagged the edges, are held tightly in His oh-so-capable hands. He has given us this journey, with its brokenness and its unlovely.  He has not forgotten.  And He has given us so many people to love us and walk this walk with us, either in short bursts or for the long haul.

So thank you, dear friends, anonymous or otherwise, for your love and support.  We are honored and grateful to share this journey with you.

More deep thoughts over at Chatting at the Sky.

One of the children that we sponsor through Compassion is from Haiti.  His name is Franzno.  He’s 4.  Adam calls him “my friend Franzno.” I’d love to show you his picture, but I want to protect his privacy.  Just trust me on this, he’s a cutie.

But his country has literally split in two.

We’ve spent a lot of time the last two days talking about what is going on at Franzno’s house.

Ever tried to explain an earthquake to 5 year olds?  They keep praying for Franzno “to be safe because of the equator.”

I wish with all my heart that Franzno’s only problem was the Equator.

But it isn’t.  I don’t even know if he’s okay.  I wrote to him today.  I didn’t know what to say except that I was sorry he was sad and scared.  I tried to picture what my Adam would need to hear and my brain couldn’t even fathom.  And my mommy brain wanted to speak in nothing but hugs.

But I can’t hug Franzno.  I can’t wrap him up and make him safe.  I can’t make his broken world go away.

But maybe if we all work together, we can help.

Haiti Earthquate

Let’s send Franzno and his country-mates a long-distance hug.

Even if it was a little late, we’ve officially “finished” Christmas here.  And our first year of Christmas Change is also complete.

When we began the Christmas Change project, my husband and I vowed to give fewer gifts in order that we might give more money away.  Our immediate families were on board, we saved some pennies with our naked tree, and I kept a running tally of how much we might give to our charity of choice.  Yet, as December pressed on, I realized that while we were going to be able to give, it wasn’t the total I had hoped for… Read the rest over at Christmas Change.

I know some of you played along.  Some of you even copied our naked Christmas tree.  If you have “some thoughts on some things” or want to share how you changed Christmas this year, please go add your link or leave a comment.

I know this is the season of resolutions and new beginnings.  And though we here in the Vitafam don’t really bother with “resolutions,” we are doing something neat this year as a family and I thought a few of you might want to get in on the action.  Our church is reading through the Bible chronologically this year.  That means the sermons, the small group study, the Scripture memory, all of it, will connect to what we read in our Bibles that week.

What that means for us as a family is that we will read the Scripture for the week.  We have a verse to memorize out of our reading.  We will pray for a country in the world each day and we’ll focus on one specific area of the world weekly.  This gives us some global awareness as we learn how to pray for others.  (It doesn’t hurt the ol’ geography studies, either.)  By the end of the year, we will have prayed for every country in the world.  There’s also a family worship guide that gives us coloring pages, activities, and things to focus on for the readings that week.  Music that correlates is included.

We’re so excited to get better at learning as a family and we’re even more excited that we will all get to connect our daily study with our family time and then with our corporate worship.  It’s a beautiful thing.

Now, here’s the fun part:  most of this material is available to ANYONE online.  If you go to the Radical Experiment site, the front page will tell you the reading plan for the week, who to pray for daily, who we’re praying for weekly, and what the memory verse is.  If you want to do this as a family, scroll down a bit and click on the links under “Family Worship.”  If you’re new to doing family worship, or just want to change up what you’re doing, there’s even a simple guide to family worship that will help get you started.

We know this will be a challenge, but we thought we’d let you know what we were up to so you can hold us accountable and maybe even play along.  We’d love to hear from you if you do!  And I’ll try to keep you posted on our progress.  There’s certain to be hilarity.  And frustration. (We started last week just to give us some wiggle room.  We don’t want to fall behind, even if 5/7 of us have the attention span of a gnat.)

Either way, it’ll be memorable.  Just the way we we like it.

I broke 3 ornaments in 60 seconds yesterday.  I kid you not.  Drop. Crash. Dust pan.  All Clean…. Drop. Crash. Dust pan. All clean… Drop. *growl* Crash. *cuss* Dust pan. *mutters* All clean…

So I guess the kids decided to follow my example today.  They broke three things before 9 am.  And that was just a warm-up.  By lunchtime, they’d knocked over a table and tossed my laptop.  I was a twitchy basket case.  I took myself to my room for a time out.  Sam interrupted me a few minutes later to let me know he’d stopped up the potty.  We averted an overflow by seconds.

It’s the small miracles…

I went back to my room to hyperventilate into a paper bag.  At some point, I decided that the best way to redeem the day was to go and just hang out with the twins while the others were still sleeping.  You know, be a fun mom and all.  So I pulled on my Big Girl Panties and headed out to the playroom…

…Where I discovered that the boys had gotten scissors without permission (a cardinal sin) and cut all the ornaments off the tiny Christmas tree I let them have in their playroom.  Cut them off.  Turns out, the afternoon wasn’t so redeemable after all.

Later, there was a broken stick horse, some damaged clothing, crayon carnage, and destruction of Mommy’s special pens, all to the tune of Willa’s unbroken wailing.  I picked her up and decided to just snuggle my baby.  “My baby” looked me in the eye and ripped a piece of paper in two while I held her.

I’ll bet she was surprised when I dumped her on the floor.

That night at dinner, Andrew read the story of Jesus telling his disciples to “believe like the little child.”  Meanwhile, Adam pulled on Andrew’s sleeve insistently to inform him that one of the candles on the table was broken.  (We eat by candlelight in December.)  I reassured him, “It’s alright, honey.  Mommy has another candle to fix it with.”

And then I believe I had what is called “a moment of clarity.”  My children don’t mind breaking things because they think I can fix it.  Andrew very capably fixed every object they broke this morning.  Which is why it made sense to Ian to bring his snipped ornaments to me and expect me to tie each thread back together.  He believed I would fix it.

Jesus said I was supposed to believe just like that.  Even though I know that a square peg can’t go in a round hole, even though I know my fingers aren’t nimble enough to tie all those threads back together, I’m supposed to believe that He Who Is Bigger can fix it.

There are things that are broken that I’m fretting over.  I don’t see how to make them right.  I don’t know how they will ever be fixed.  And they might not get “fixed” the way I expect or in my timetable.  Just like I make the kids wait until Mommy finds the super glue or until Daddy comes home, God has his own reasons for fixing things when He chooses.

Maybe the point is not in the fixing.  Maybe I’m supposed to learn how to let those breakables slide on through my fingertips.  Maybe I’m supposed to learn not to fear the crash.

My kids sure don’t fear it.  They may even revel in a good smash or three.  Because they believe in the Grown-Up.  They believe in the Bigger Than Me.

And they even Run with Sharp Objects, just for good measure.

Looking for some good reads this weekend?  Go check out the Saturday Evening Blog Post over at Three’s A Crowd.

¹If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Been a bit heart sore today.  Of course, we’ve been praying for Stellan around our house.  I didn’t expect the children to understand our topic of discussion, but we prayed anyway.  And I cried.  But here’s the thing:  my kids didn’t notice.  And rather than pitch a wailing fit in the floor (like some other short people I know do), I let it go.

Later, they had another opportunity to show compassion to Ellen when she fell but the older boys didn’t bat an eye.  They turned and walked away.

For the 587th time today I wondered where I’ve gone wrong as a mama.  Andrew and I discussed things over dinner with the kids.  They never noticed my tears.  And they just plain couldn’t be bothered to show concern over Ellen’s wounds.  Andrew asked them how they would feel if we ignored their tears of hurt.

Ian replied, “Not fine.”

We pondered the issue more.  Our refrigerator is covered with pictures of our sponsored Compassion children.  They pray for their “friends in Colombia” faithfully each night.  And I think those people are real to them, those needs are somewhat tangible.  But yet they can’t see the hurts in their very own living room.

I know the roots of this.  It’s a selfish heart.  And I am just as guilty.  My selfish heart makes me turn away, walk the other direction, ignore completely so many needs in front of my face.

Sometimes the needs overwhelm.  And we have to prioritize.  (Which would probably explain why Ellen’s diaper literally hung around her knees tonight.  She never made it stink today, so I never got around to changing it.  And I talk about wanting to teach my kids compassion.  Hmph.  My poor little girl’s baby butt.)

So how do we teach compassion?  How do you teach someone to care?  How do you take a little heart that only knows the inward focus given to it outside the Garden and show it how to be selfless?  How do you teach empathy?  I suspect the answer lies in the miracle of Christ’s redemption.

And in the meantime, I need to model a Christ-like compassion for my children.  I don’t imagine this includes sobbing fits on the floor when my heart is broken. We’ve worked hard not to encourage dramatic shows of emotion.  But have we overdone it and made stone-hearted little heathen?

So what do I do?  I can teach them to read and write, I can teach them place value and how a steam engine works.  But how do I teach them love?

Any of you Mommy Experts wanna pipe up on this one?

Back when we were babes in marriage, Andrew and I, along with a special group of young couples, were in a Bible study under the tutelage of Michael and Cindy.  Every week, we sat in their living room and talked about marriage, theology, and family.  Michael and Cindy invested greatly into all of our lives.  They mourned our losses with us.  They held all of our firstborns and cooed appropriately.  They taught Andrew the finer points of espresso-making, a habit I have never quite forgiven them for.

For two years, they were Real with us.  Nothing sugar-coated, nothing held back.  Just “this is our lives, this is our marriage, here’s the good, the bad, the ugly.  And here’s how God is redeeming us anyway.”

Michael is a pastor, so he had tons of quotable one-liners.  And I grin privately every time I hear one of Michael’s quotes come out of my husband’s mouth in a teaching situation.  Andrew took in all that wisdom and insight like he was drinking from a fire hydrant.  (Who first said that line, IBCers?) And then, because he’s a ridiculously talented auditory learner, he’s always been able to spout Michael’s one-liners verbatim when he needs to.

Cindy is confident, independent, and thoughtful.  She is a real-life picture of a woman who knows who she is, knows Whose she is, and knows how to love her man.  She demonstrated for all of us young wives how to love our husbands and respect them, even when we thought we knew better.  Her favorite phrase was “Submission is knowing when to duck so that God can hit your husband.”

And, yeah, I’ve probably repeated that one a time or fifty in the past eight years.

Time has passed, we’ve all moved and gone our separate ways.  But the bond formed all those years ago between the other couples and with Michael and Cindy hasn’t changed.  Which is why it should come as no surprise to you that somewhere in the middle of Saturday’s road trip, we squeezed in a thirty minute visit with Michael and Cindy.  See?

Even though they haven’t seen us in years, they weren’t at all surprised by the chaotic bundle of energy we presented at their front door.  Even when the boys broke something in the living room and Andrew needed to change clothes at the last minute.  They talked to us around all of our noise and hub-bub, providing a breath of fresh air, the comfort of Familiar in our lives.  And it made all the insanity that day totally worth it.

Now the giveaway part…

Cindy has put all of her wisdom about submission into a book.  I bought it as soon as it came out last year and have already shared it with some of my friends.  Cindy examined the lives of women she knew and admired and asked them, “How does submission look in your marriage?”

Because it looks different for every couple.  But the truths and Biblical principles about submission are the same.  Cindy ties all of these vignettes together with the hard and fast truth.  It’s the best explanation of submission I’ve seen (and believe me, Michael made us read LOTS of different articles about submission back in the day) and I’m so glad all those words Cindy said that resonated with me years ago are now written down where I don’t have to worry I’ll forget them.  And I can share them with others… Like You.

Cindy graciously gave me a signed copy of her book, “What’s Submission Got To Do With It?” to give away.   Leave me a comment down below, telling me what you think of when you hear the word “Submission.” Guys, there’s a chapter written in the book by Michael specifically for men, so don’t be shy.  This involves you, too.  And if you’re not married but hope to be some day, it is never too early to wrestle with this subject.

This is an easy read, but it’s not short on truth or reality.  My faithful readers will know that I don’t often plug stuff here on the blog, and I certainly don’t plug things I don’t use or recommend.  This one is the real deal, folks.  If you’re counseling someone who’s married, you are married, want to be married, or know somebody who is married, this is a great resource.

But wait there’s more…  Our lucky winner will also receive either a “my wife rocks” or “my husband rocks” t-shirt from Union28 apparel.  Andrew and I love our shirts and wear them proudly and often.  Nothing like plastering a little spouse honor right across your chest, is there?

I’ll leave comments open until Sunday and announce the winner on Monday.

Oh, and it won’t get you extra entries (because that really drives me insane) but if you could help me plug this with a tweet or a link or some such, I’d be grateful.  I want as many people as possible to at least hear of this book and have the chance to hold it in their hot little hands.

Thanks, peeps!  And good luck!

Many moons ago, we used to have something in the sidebar that showed what we were reading. But we took it down when we weren’t updating it. Well, okay, we weren’t really reading much, either. Correction: I was not reading much. Andrew always has a book in tow. I go through stages of Reading Rebellion, where I refuse to crack a book. Then I get a book I want to read and I check out for twelve hours until I’ve got the thing conquered. I like to blame it on all the reading I did in college, but since those days are getting farther and farther behind me, that excuse is wearing thin.

I digress.

What I was trying to do is answer a question. Jen in Al asked : What are your children’s favorite books?

They have many favorites, of course. A few of our “must haves” include :

The Big Red Barn by Margaret Wise Brown

Bear Snores On by Karma Wilson and Jane Chapman

The Little Red Train Storybook by Benedict Blathwayt

But the current favorite, of both grown-ups and kids, is The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones. I first read about this book on several different blogs. I was skeptical about all the high praise it received until I saw a copy in a bookstore. The drawings are first-rate. Really fascinating for little kids and big kids. Different perspectives, bright colors, and friendly faces are all captivating for our children. But the words… those are the real scene-stealers. The author begins and ends each story from the Bible with a look at the bigger picture, the bigger story, and ultimately, pointing to Jesus. She breaks down complicated aspects of theology and sanctification and makes them easy to understand, without removing the beauty and awe.

The story of Adam and Eve’s sin in the garden is told with such sadness and heartbreak over the broken relationship, the broken creation. I had tears in my eyes while we read. Jacob’s story is told through Leah’s eyes, a perspective I’d never thought much about. The author describes her as the girl “no one wanted.” At the end of the story, she points out that it was through the line of Judah, Leah’s son, that God would send the The Prince. “This Prince would love God’s people. They wouldn’t need to be beautiful for Him to love them. He would love them with all of His heart. And they would be beautiful because He loved them. Like Leah.”

I could go on with the examples, but this book is really exciting to read as a family. As the children are grasping the meaning of the familiar stories, our conversations are getting deeper and more interesting. And even when we’re not reading the book, if they’re sitting still, one of them always has it and is poring over the pictures, or telling his brothers the story he remembers.

While I’m on the subject of books, and since this blog isn’t only about the kids, I thought I’d give you a book or two that Andrew and I are working through. The first is Family Driven Faith by Voddie Baucham. Great, practical thoughts about how to use the Scripture as a blueprint for raising our children “in the fear and admonition of the Lord.” A good read no matter how big or small your family is. We’re reading it as a couple and are enjoying some good conversation because of it.

Finally, from our own personal devotions, we highly recommend The Valley of Vision. We have a leather bound copy that sits between our two stuffed chairs. The kids know that it belongs with the family Bible. It’s a collection of prayers written by the Puritans. They are timeless and full of rich depth, humility, and passion that is so missing from our lives and culture. They’re also easy to read to the children, who may not understand everything, but they can sit still while one of us reads.

These are just a few of our current faves. I’d love to hear some of yours. Leave me your top three in the comments!